After I’d moved away from home, I’d always had a rule when it came to living arrangements. Basically, my rule was to not live with anyone, unless I was SLEEPING with them. I broke this rule only one time, and it was 16 of the ugliest days that I can remember.

In my early twenties, I was low on cash and I didn’t drive. (What an attractive guy, eh?) I moved down to Connecticut to work for my good friend Ric to be his night/Sundays manager at a lighting showroom. For the first month, I lived with Ric. But after that time we both were ready to part ways. I had a big challenge in front of me because I needed a place in walking distance, AND it had to be cheap. I met with Ric, his wife Rebecca, & my girlfriend at the time. This girlfriend had to drive me around and buy dinner sometimes, by the by. I’m a gem, what can I say? Anyhoo, We found a place that had a room for rent for $385.00 a month, and I could walk to work.

 Walking to work is unusual in Ct. Most people gawked at me walking home. It’s like they’d never seen a guy walk! I think it would have been funnier if they pointed at me too. It might have made it worth it for me. Or perhaps throw tomatoes at me. No imagination, these Connecticut drivers.

When we got to the address, we discovered it was a room in a trailer! (ulp).

I met the “owner,” and I’ll call her Ann Marie for sake of the story. She was from Florida, and she REALLY wanted me to take the room. I told her I’d think about it. When we got back to Ric’s house, I had all three people chide me about my rule, saying I didn’t have a choice! I HAD to take it. This included my girlfriend. Finally I conceded & moved in. Ann Marie told me that she had selected me over a Vietnam Vet! I was flattered. (I think)

The first wonderful thing I had to deal with had nothing to do with the room. My girlfriend told me a week into living there that she didn’t like me living with another woman. I’m not a cheat, but I see her point. However, WHY DIDN’T SHE FUCKING SAY THAT BEFORE I MOVED IN?!? You know, the time with her glaring at me telling me I didn’t have a choice and I HAD to take the room? Sheesh.

My living habits were quite simple, really. In the mornings I would come out to shower & grab breakfast & go to work. At night, I would either eat out, or make my beloved Kraft Mac & Cheese. Then, RIGHT into my room. In there it was VHS movies or Sega Genesis keeping me busy. (As I said.. what an attractive guy, eh?)

Basically, I didn’t want to friend up with Ann Marie. Although, I believe that she at LEAST wanted to friend up, if not more. After all, the trailer wasn’t even a doublewide! I was always a shoulder tap away if you catch my drift.

One night she got home and called me out to the kitchen, “I’ll be right out” I said in annoyance, because I had to pause my damn Genesis game. She had just gone food shopping, and started pulling out some familiar products from the bags: Pepsi (my life blood… ask my dentist, he’ll tell you), Life Cereal (ask Mikey), and that’s right… Kraft Mac & Cheese. I was befuddled at first, but soon after I pulled out some cash and gave it to her. She wasn’t thrilled when I told her I wanted to buy my own shit. (in a nice way, for the record).

About two weeks in, the first of two GRIM nights took place. She got in this awful argument with her ex-husband. The screaming match was so loud, I couldn’t hear myself think! (Think about playing the Sega Genesis, that is). I didn’t want to pry, so I let it slide for the night. The next morning I was leaving and I asked her if she was ok. She said “Oh yes… I’m fine. I’m great thanks. No worries”.

I begrudgingly told her that if she wanted to talk, I’d be there for her. I was still fearing that she wanted me to sleep on the other side of the trailer at that point. She thanked me, & off I went to work. Before I could get out of the park, I realized I forgot something. So I go back to the trailer & Ann Marie is on the phone with the police! And she said the following, verbatim: “Yes… that’s right… and THEN he said he was sending a Haitian up here to kill me and my roommate”!

Uh, did she just say “ROOMMATE”? I’M the fucking roommate!! What the fuck?!

After she got off the phone, I questioned her on this & she told me there was nothing to worry about, and that he ALWAYS does stuff like that. Really? Yikes! When I get in fights, I just leave the room, or not speak. Not ONCE have I ever wanted to employ a hitman. At this point, she and the trailer were on notice.

The final straw came on the 16^th day. I got home from work, and before I could whisk into my room she pointed at this note on the counter. “Read that” she says. I don’t remember exactly what the note said, but let me paraphrase:

 “I’m coming for my room tonight, and I won’t take no for an answer”.

This note was from the chap that was the Vietnam Vet, who she turned down to give me the room. She told me not to worry, because her friend Timmy (for the sake of the story) was coming this evening. Timmy was also a Vietnam vet. It was weird to think that I had one Vietnam vet standing in the way from another one taking his room back. I wouldn’t have been surprised if the dude looked like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.

That night Timmy came over and was at the kitchen table with Ann Marie. I was playing Altered Beast on the Genesis. And then… GUESS who came to dinner? That fucking guy SHOWED UP for his room!! Timmy ran out the door after the guy, and ran out of the park. I was ALL done after this.

I approached Ann Marie and told her I had to move out. My life was threatened twice in 2 weeks. She told me that it wasn’t her fault, and I agreed. However, I told her I chose not to live in Lebanon, because I didn’t want to be bombed. I don’t want to be where my life was in danger. So I made her an offer she couldn’t refuse… I would co-pay for an ad to get a new person in there. And after the person paid their security deposit, she could give me my security deposit back. She was crying happy tears after I told her I wouldn’t just walk out on her.

Later, Timmy came back and told us the police caught the other guy. He was at a cheap motel in the area hiding out. It turned out that he had a long record in Texas, including child molestation & aggravated assault. I don’t need to tell you that if this guy made it into the trailer, I would have handed him his new Sega Genesis to go with his new room.

I THOUGHT the night was over. But I woke up at 3am to a lot of voices. I peeked out the window & saw a paddy wagon out front. I said to myself “I wonder what’s going on now?” That was until I heard more voices coming from inside the trailer. So I opened the door, sporting my shorts & T-Shirt and my hair sticking straight up in the air. I saw 7 plus police officers in the kitchen, and Ann Marie swearing her ass off at them. After they carted her off, they asked me: “Do you know where she keeps her gun?” I said “GUN? GUN???? No… I didn’t even know she had one”!

Apparently, after we said nighty night she called Timmy up and told him she had a gun and was going to blow her brains out. Are you fucking kidding me?! Good god.

To be honest, I’m glad she didn’t pull the gun out on ME! I can imagine her waking me up with the gun pointed at me: “I don’t want you to leave!” Of course, I’d have responded: “Leave? Leave? Did I say ‘LEAVE’? I meant to say ‘LEASE’. LEASE! That’s what I MEANT to say… heh heh”.

The officers asked me to call them if I found a gun. I told them that would be impossible, since I’m moving out IMMEDIATELY. After they left, I called Ric 3 times until he picked up. I told him he had to come pick me up right away. He asked why, and I said “She has a gun, she’s gonna blow her brains out, blah blah, I’ll tell you later”.

The next day I came back for the rest of my stuff. I saw Ann Marie and I told her after the incident I was moving out. I asked for my security deposit back, and she told me “That’s been absorbed”. I said “What? Absorbed? What do you mean absorbed?” She said “It’s been absorbed, and it WILL stand up in court.” At that point, I was just happy to walk away with my life.

See? Always follow your instincts. This woman was a fucking kook. I had no business living with her.

Rebecca called Ann Marie a few months later to try to get my deposit back. She refused, because of all of the issues that I brought into her house. When Rebecca asked what the issues were, she responded “He made me buy him cereal! AND he left his pubic hairs out for me to see”. When Rebecca told me this, I had my first laugh about the whole thing. Specifically because I thought it was interesting that she thought the cereal thing was worse than if I left my pubic hairs out for her to see.

I’m the king of OCD. You’d think my whole body was shaved after I leave a bathroom. There was no way it was my short hairs she was finding. That is, unless she was speaking metaphorically. Because essentially she did have me by the short hairs. Oh well.

Any time after the events in this story when a friend asked me to room with them, I told them: “That’s been absorbed”. I’m close with my  friends, but not THAT close. 

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