ACT I – The Blue Beauty
I’m sitting here today in remembrance of the Blue Beauty. She was my first car.. a 1987 Buick Skyhawk.
I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 26. Partly it’s because I’ve primarily lived in the city and didn’t need one. But it’s also because I can be a lazy ass.
When I finally got it, I was amazed to see how quick I could get places. It is SO much easier to DRIVE to the mall you know. And picking up groceries? Wow. Now when I bought my Celeste pizzas I wasn’t held to what I could carry. Abbondanza!
On what I refer to as ‘The Blue Beauty’s last day,’ I had to bring my mom to my doctor, She didn’t have coverage at the time, and my doctor agreed to see her as a favor to me.
Since my mom didn’t drive, I had to drive from Quincy (where I lived at the time) to Yarmouth in Cape Cod. Then I had to drive back to Quincy where my doctor was, only to bring her back to the Cape later that evening. That was the plan, anyway.
ACT II , Part 1– The Motor Club of whaaaa??
So, I’m heading down to the Cape on Route 6 (Cape Cod’s main drag) and all of a sudden… BLOOF! My tire blows and in 3 seconds I’m driving on a banana peel. I pull over to the side of the road, which is part sand dune on the Cape. There was no breakdown lane at all. I put my hazards on, and reach into my glove compartment. There I find my insurance notes, which includes the roadside assistance brochure with the service called “The Motor Club of America”. The guy at the insurance agency said that it was part of their policy, and that they were “Just like AAA”.
As I’m looking through the policy, I notice that a State Trooper has pulled right behind me. I didn’t know what to do, so I got out to greet him.
He says: “You’ll get hit by a car”.
I say: “I WAS HIT BY A CAR?!”
He says: “No! If you stand in the highway like that, you WILL be hit
by a car!”
I say: “Oh.. yes.. ok” and I get back into the car.
Soon, he comes up and asked me if I had a spare. I said “no,” and he agreed to take me to a garage to help me out.
I get out of the car and he walks with me to his cruiser.
It was embarrassing to see people slowing down looking to see whom the cop was tossing in the car. I was holding my head down, which probably made me look more guilty. I should have put my hood on too I guess. It didn’t help that he put me in the BACK of the car.
So he drives me to this garage, gets out & on the way tells me he’ll be right back. I lean over & the door doesn’t open. I tried a couple of times to pull real hard and was stuck in there. I looked up & there was a family at the gas pump… all of whom were staring at me with fright seeing me attempt to ram the door open.
I hate when I miss an opportunity for a laugh. I should have mouthed the words: “I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU ALL”. Alas, it didn’t strike me at the moment.
Then officer Do-Right comes back and lets me out. I told him “Heh… I couldn’t get out there”. He replied “Usually we don’t want the people who are in the back to get out”. Natch.
I go into the shop, and the guy calls a tow truck to get my car.
While I wait, I talk to the dude behind the counter.
Guy: “How would you like to pay, sir?”
Me: “Do you take Motor Club of America?”
Guy: “Hmm..I’ve never heard of them. Let me go ask my boss.”
A few minutes later:
Guy: “We’ve never heard of them. Do you have AAA?”
Me: “No. I was told that these guys were like AAA.”
Guy: “I’m sorry, sir.”
Me: “Figures. Do you take Visa?”
Then the guy shows up with my car in tow. He gets out & is glaring at me when I approach him. He looked like a dirty Nathan Fillion.
Me: “Hi! Thank you very much! I appreciate..”
Tow guy: “45 Bucks.”
Me: “Oh, of course. Do you take Motor Club of America?”
Tow guy: “No.”
Me: “Oh… do you take Visa? I only have 8 dollars.”
Tow guy: “I’m a truck.. I don’t take cards”.
Finally the asshole agrees to bill the garage, who would in turn bill me. The garage didn’t have my tire size, ergo I had to purchase two of the same size. Ugh.
But now I’m on my way.
ACT II, Part 2 – The Quack
I finally get to my mom’s house. She was worried sick, as usual. I remember once going for a walk while visiting. I took a little longer than I thought for whatever reason. When I got back, she tells me: “Oh God! There you are. I was concerned. I was reading that there’s a guy in a blue van kidnapping children”!
I responded: “Mom… I’m 32. I didn’t fall for that shit when I was a kid. I’d rather BUY a candy bar to be honest. He’d need a 42” TV to get me to look in his van.. at LEAST.”
The doctor allowed her to have a later appointment, which was great. While she was there, I was on the phone with my friend who told me “There’s a spare under the mat in your trunk you idiot”. Oops.
I’m on my way out to get mom & my girlfriend at the time says: “It’s going to be cold.. take your jacket”. I say “Nah.. I’ll just be in & out of the car. No big D.
I pick up mom & head back to the Cape.
Me: “So, how’d it go?”
Mom: “Umm.. ok”
Me: “What? Tell me.”
Mom: Well, no offense, Jeff.. But I think your doctor is a quack.”
Me: “ A quack? What? Why do you say that?”
Mom: “He told me to quit smoking!”
Yeah.. what a fucking nut. It’s a good thing I didn’t go out of my way or anything.
ACT II, Part 3 - The Snot Miser
So I get mom back home. After that long day SHE’S had with the ‘quack,’ she’s ready to settle down. Who can blame her?
I have dinner and jump back in the Beauty.
Somewhere on route 3 heading back home, I’m driving along in the fast lane. All of a sudden, I hear a ‘doink’ from the hood… and the car starts slowing down! I look at the odometer… 60..50..40..
“YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!” I shouted to myself.
Hazards back on, I sneak over to the breakdown lane. Now it’s late, dark and freezing out!
I tell myself that earlier the State-ey was right on my ass after I pulled over. I’ll just wait.
In about 20 minutes, it was obvious nobody was coming. So, I get out of the car and start to run. I happened to land directly between exits 12 & 13 which are around 3 miles apart.
I have bad sinuses. I always have. In junior high I had the affectionate nickname “The Snot Miser”. Well, when you add cold it doesn’t get any better I can tell you. So, I’m running down the fucking highway and my nose is running down my face. My hands & face were getting numb running in the wind. Even my legs were shaking while I ran.
Finally I get to exit 13, and run up to the top to a Sunoco gas station. I ask to use the pay phone (remember those?).
I say: “Cand you help bme? I’mb looking for a pay phoned”.
The guy tells me it’s outside & gives me change. He didn’t have tissues, unfortunately.
I go out & start calling my house to wake my girlfriend. I had to call a bunch of times before she wakes up. After telling her what happened, she started to realize the true Pomeroy charm. You bought in, honey.
She doesn’t know her way around the South Shore, so I tell her “The Sunoco station at the top of exit 13. It’s a big, lit up gas station. You can’t miss it”.
As if in a movie, as soon as I hang up… all of the lights in the station go off. I run over to the guy & he says he’s closing. I’m thinking to myself that it was NO problem. I told her where it was, right?
About 20 minutes later, I see her coming.
I wave.
I wave frantically.
I start jumping & waving & yelling!
Needless to say… she went RIGHT on by,
I said: “FUCK!! Fuck Fuck fuuuuuck!”
Lucky for me, she had the sense to turn around after another cold 10 minutes or so.
She brings me to my car and just then a tow truck shows up. The guy gets out.
Tow guy 2: “Do you need a tow?”
Me: “I don’t know. My step dad is handy; I may call him.”
Tow guy 2: “Mind if I take a look?”
Me: “Oh yes, please!”
After a few minutes, he comes back to me.
Tow guy 2: “I think you need a tow.”
Me: “Are you sure? As I said, my step dad is good with this.”
Tow guy 2: “I think it’s your timing belt. He won’t be able to fix that here. He’ll have to take the engine apart”.
Me: “Oh..”
A slight pause.
Me: “ Uhh.. do you take Motor Club of America?”
Tow guy 2: “Hmm. I don’t know. I can check for you”.
Me: “You know what? Don’t bother. How much?”
ACT III - The Eulogy
So, after about 2 grand and the longest day in my life, I decide to retire the ol’ Beauty. It was only fair, especially knowing that I got $750 for it when I traded it in. RIGHT in the shorts I took it. And I had to talk him UP, by the way. I wanted it to at least to pay for the sunroof in the new car.
She was a great first car, and if it wasn’t for her owner, she might still be purring somewhere. I have this tendency to make good news bad. Like finding out this girl wanted to go to the prom with me,.. 8 years AFTER I graduated.
Everyone has a car story. This was mine. The moral of the story?
1. Get AAA. No substitute.
2. Bring a hanky if you need it, even in junior high.
